'I've been married for over two decades but I'm a lesbian'

Dear Coleen

I have always respected your advice and follow all your socials, and I’m hoping you can help me with the predicament I find myself in.

I’m a closet lesbian and I’m married to my best friend in the world, my husband of 23 years. We have created a wonderful family together, with four kids, who are all over 16 now, as well as two lovely grandchildren.

However, I have got to a point in my life where I’m desperately unhappy pretending to be someone I’m not.

I hate living a lie, but I don’t know how to tell my husband the truth.

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The thing that scares me the most about him finding out is that I’ll lose him as a friend, which is something I couldn’t bear.

We genuinely love each other as friends and we also make a good team in terms of parenting and grandparenting, but I just don’t fancy him, and I don’t know what to do for the best going forward.

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Of course, I realise there’s probably no easy way to resolve a situation like this, but any advice you can offer would be much appreciated.

Coleen says

Well, you’re right, there’s no easy way out. I imagine what might hurt your husband the most is feeling that your entire relationship has been a lie, so think about how you talk to him about this and what reassurance you can give him.

I have friends who were in this situation and married with a child. The husband finally admitted to his wife that he was gay and, happily for them, it did work out and they were able to stay close after the initial shock and a lot of talking.

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Naturally it’ll come as a shock for your husband and your children, and I think it would help you to talk to people who’ve been in the same situation. There’s good advice online on coming out to a partner, as well as support forums, and you might find a local group. Try ourpath.org, lgbt.foundation and straight partnersanonymous.com.

In terms of telling your husband, I’m not sure there’s a right way other than to do it with kindness and to be prepared for a range of emotions. Give him space to express how he feels and answer his questions. If you’re not being intimate with him, I’m guessing he might have already picked up that something isn’t right.

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I think it is possible to be friends – you love each other and share a family – but it might take a bit of time to get there and work out your new relationship. Joint counselling might help. He deserves honesty and you deserve to live your life authentically. I wish you the best of luck.

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